Holy Bibble

Joseph and Aseneth


Once upon a time, there was an Egyptian priest named Pentephres. He had the hottest of hotties daughter named Aseneth. Everyone wanted to bang Aseneth, but she wanted nothing to do with anyone and hid away in a tower, man-hating and posting about how much she hated them on the internets.
Then Joseph came to Pentephres' house, and since he was the hottest of hotties himself, he was also bored by all the womenz fawning over him. When the two of these hotties met, they hated each other all Much Ado About nothing style. However, since Joseph was all imbued with the POWER OF GOD, Aseneth suddenly got the hots for him.
She swore off her own gods, and promised only to follow Yahweh. Then she cried and wore a potato sack and threw away her jewels and food. FOR GOD. Then an angel came to her and told her to take off her potato sack and put back on her jewels and finery, 'cause she was officially accepted into God's sorority now, and for that, one needed to look pretty.
Since Aseneth was now a lady of God, Joseph could now get with her. The Pharaoh married them, 'cause it's not like a Pharaoh's got anything better to do, and they had lots of legal married sex and bore two sons.
But Pharaoh's son didn't like that Aseneth was banging Joseph. He wanted her all to himself. So, he seeked out Simeon and Levi, since he heard all about their escapade murdering entire towns, and asked them to kill Joseph. But they were like, "No way, we're too righteous for that. Ask again, and we'll kill YOU!" They clearly must have forgotten how they nearly AND gladly tried to kill Joseph already once before.
Then Pharaoh's son went to Dan and Gad and told them that Joseph hated them, and wanted to kill them once their father died 'cause they were the sons of filthy maidservants! They believed him without question, and together they made intricate plans to kill Joseph, and steal away Aseneth for the lil' Pharaoh.
Also, Pharaoh Jr. wanted to kill Pharaoh Sr. He failed. Naphtali and Asher also tried to convince Dan and Gad that they were being stupid. They failed.
Meanwhile, Aseneth was travelling down the road, when Pharaoh, Dan, Gad, and all their men came upon her and her's. There was a massive battle! Eventually Aseneth appeared to be on the losing side, but lo, Ben picked up a bunch of stones and threw them STRAIGHT INTO THE BRAINS of Pharaoh and his men, killing them all.
Then Joseph's brothers were about to fight each other, but Aseneth pulled some Sailor Moon shit and told everyone to love each other. They did. The end.


University of Birmingham